Standing Down
***This post was initially just a journal entry for myself but when I finished it I thought someone else might benefit from the rawness of it. Reach out. He is there. You can feel Him. Hold His hand. I am.***
I have decided to give up on having another (more) child (ren) either by birth or adoption. Maybe it is just surrendering, which I should have done a long time ago and I thought I had. I don’t guess I got it then. It is full of emotion and feels like defeat. I thought I could make it out of this on my own free will. I lied. To myself. It hurts to put it all down. To leave all the wishing and hoping. To push it as far back in my mind as it will go. I always thought “Man I am handling this so well”……”I think I’ll be ok”…… Now that I have made the decision to put it away I am an emotional crap bag. Leaking and oozing. Bound to rupture at any given moment. I long to be the mommy to the baby/child that has none. I long to show them Jesus when they might not have been given the chance. I long to hold a baby of my own. I’m giving up on “sooner rather than later”. Now I will wait. I used to know it would happen and I still think it will (I hope). Oh how sweet it would be. Here I go through the valley. This is the test. Will I follow Him through suffering long enough to come out the other side? I am willing to try. I know He will hold my hand. I think I am learning something.
Season Two done. Marcus home.
I’m a happy girl. Marcus is home and I finished Season Two of LOST. Claire loves Charlie again so my life is complete (my LOST life anyway). Gotta love love. Kinda pissed that Sawyer shagged that chic (Anna) though. Well now she’s dead so it doesn’t really matter. I didn’t like her anyway. And why do I like Sawyer? He’s mean but a favorite of mine. When he is actually nice to someone my heart melts. Oh what joy I have found!! Season Three here I come. Can’t wait! Oh….Munchkin went to a Girl Scout camp this weekend and she had loads of fun. The leader said she only had to have one talk with her (that’s a miracle). This week she is on spring break so I will try to keep yall posted on all the fun. I know we will see Horton Hears A Who. I have been waiting to see this. Yipee! (That is not a joke. I can’t wait to see it.) Loving life right now.
Spring, Sprang, Sprung
Well not only did I lose an hour if sleep last night but I also had to endure a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus concert as well. My Munchkin had the time of her life and I feel like I’ve been beaten within an inch of mine. Good times! I am glad she had fun. My husband the photographer is out of town right now so I realized about halfway there I had forgotten my camera. Sorry for the less than perfect pics. They are from my cell phone. In the pic with the goat she is actually braiding his beard. He seemed to enjoy it cause he sat there forever and let her do it. Too funny! Oh and for those of you who are not jealous you might be when I tell you there was a special appearance by Billy Ray Cyrus himself and we got some Achy Breaky Heart action. On the way to the petting zoo Munchkin was singing her achy breaky heart out. Crack me up!!!
